It's just hurting for the first time...

I never update here anymore...

Thu, 09 Aug 2007 10:57:24 GMT

I really should start again... I've just been so busy with school and work, and life's been kind of hard lately...

I still miss him a lot. It's been 2 years now... will the pain ever go away?

Maybe that's why it's been so long since I've written here. Every past entry is a reminder of us... or at least the us that used to be.

Well, it's time to face facts and start over again.

New (old) journal, here I come!!!

One last entry before I go....

Fri, 06 May 2005 04:08:12 GMT

This very accurately captures how I've been feeling as of late.... Most beautiful song in the world I think...

Hello, if you're there pick up the phone
I'm calling from 30,000 feet above you
The captain's just informed us that our plane is going down
So I'm calling for one last time to say I love you

I'm not certain how much time I may have left, so I'll be brief
I'm sorry if this message only amplifies your grief
But I couldn't bear the burden of never having said goodbye
And the pain you feel, I promise you, will go away with time

I'm sorry I won't be there to see our children grow
Please tell them that I loved them more than they will ever know
Tell my family and friends how much I loved them all as well
I"m sure that we will meet again, but only time will tell

I'm sorry most of all I won't be there when you grow old
To be there by your side and keep you warm when you are cold
Forgive me, but I think my time is drawing to a close
So I've one last thing to tell you now before I have to go

I...

This entry is also meant to be a public appology, everyone and their mother will be able to read it, sorry if that upsets anyone. Don't worry though, names will not be mentioned. Whoever I'm saying sorry to will know who they are...

I'm sorry for all the things I posted about us, letting people into our private lives was not the way to go about fixing the problems we have/had. It was a stupid, childish way to try to get back at you, and I now realize the damage it did. For all the hurt I've caused I'm eternally sorry... I know this doesn't take it back or fix anything, nor do I expect you to forgive me for it. I have to do this for myself and so that you will perhaps understand the depths of my regret at the mistakes I've made. I will never have a day when you don't cross my mind, and never a day when my heart won't cry out for you. Whatever you're doing now, with whomever, I truly hope that you are happy, healthy, and above all in love. For all the hurt that last one has caused, it is still my most treasured of emotions. I fear I may never truly love again, but I suppose only time will tell. Thank you for blessing my life with your presance while I was fortunate enough to have you. I will forever treasure the good memories...sadly I'll never forget the bad... but they no longer rule my existence. For all it's worth, I'll forever love you.

Jay, this one is for you!!!

Wed, 26 Jan 2005 09:51:27 GMT

http://www.ufies.org/~rynsey/The%20System%20Is%20Du.mp3

Taken from the homestar-runner lj page..... oh goddess... it hurts...

Easily one of the sadest songs I've ever heard in my entire life....

Tue, 18 Jan 2005 08:36:30 GMT

Assemblage 23~30kft...

It gives me chills the way Rasputina's Quitter does.... and makes me cry every time.... so fucking beautiful. If you haven't heard it yet, check it out....

Interesting.... and expected...

Mon, 10 Jan 2005 21:22:20 GMT

Your Dominant Intelligence is Musical Intelligence

Every part of your life has a beat, and you're often tapping your fingers or toes.
You enjoy sounds of all types, but you also find sound can distract you at the wrong time.
You are probably a gifted musician of some sort - even if you haven't realized it.
Also a music lover, you tend to appreciate artists of all kinds.

You would make a great musician, disc jockey, singer, or composer.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

OMFG.....

Sun, 09 Jan 2005 01:10:47 GMT

http://www.funpic.hu/swf/numanuma.html

That, my friends, is some funny shit....

Higher then I expected, but still respectable!

Sun, 02 Jan 2005 10:34:07 GMT

I AM 27% EMO!

Hmm.. I should stop listening to Dashboard Confessional.... enough said... Now that I stopped looking at my shoes, I know how the real world looks.

Take the EMO test at Fuali.com

Just so long as that number is never about 35%, I'm happy, lol.

"HEY EMO KID, QUIT YOUR WHINING!!!!!

Stolen from nomoreangels

Fri, 31 Dec 2004 00:35:59 GMT

You all have to go watch this.... right now!

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/ddautta.php

Quiz update, then nap before work... sigh

Sat, 25 Dec 2004 22:51:00 GMT

you are powderblue
#B0E0E6

Your dominant hues are green and blue. You're smart and you know it, and want to use your power to help people and relate to others. Even though you tend to battle with yourself, you solve other people's conflicts well.

Your saturation level is low - You stay out of stressful situations and advise others to do the same. You may not be the go-to person when something really needs done, but you know never to blow things out of proportion.

Your outlook on life is bright. You see good things in situations where others may not be able to, and it frustrates you to see them get down on everything.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

Yes, I'm still bored, lol!!!

Thu, 02 Dec 2004 21:16:36 GMT

I am a member of 7 cliques of size 4

braxana, clearmind, apogeeperigee, callmekitten167

akira2501, arcanus, addambombb, callmekitten167

callmekitten167, ellenclaire, crinhead, magg1es

akira2501, callmekitten167, pyretta_blazexx, jemmifire

simronan_v2, callmekitten167, pyretta_blazexx, akira2501

callmekitten167, pyretta_blazexx, tessacatlin, jemmifire

simronan_v2, callmekitten167, pyretta_blazexx, tessacatlin

This site is just fucking scary......

Wed, 01 Dec 2004 22:14:36 GMT

http://www.perverted-justice.com

Check it out. My god, if I ever have a little girl, I think I'll die from being scared for her all the time!

This is great.... I'm in a quiz mood......

Wed, 17 Nov 2004 02:51:12 GMT

If you were a Pirate! by TheHalveric

Username

Yer Pirate Name!

Name yer ship!

Why be ye a Pirate?

Yer First Mate!

dismaloutlook

Yer Cabin-boy! (or girl)

gtbuddha

Ye're chief rival be the Dread Pirate

jemmifire

Ye'll be pursued by Admiral

apogeeperigee

Cut to ribbon in a freak cannon accident...

magg1es

Yer pirate captive to use fer yer wicked pleasures

braxana

Number o'ships ye'll sink and women ye'll plunder!

739

Chance ye'll be hanged... or worse.: 46%

Quiz created with MemeGen!

This is funny....

Tue, 16 Nov 2004 21:24:32 GMT

What is your presidency like?

LJ Username

Political Party

Campaign Slogan

Celebrity Endorsment

Vice President

4k1v4

Cheif of Staff

ashi_moto

Secretary of State

eskilsimonsson

Scandal caused by relationship with

pyretta_blazexx

Scandal

Murdered rival candidate's grandmother day of election

Approval Rating - 73%

This Quiz by malaisia - Taken 10229 Times.
</a>

New - COOL Dating Tips and Romance Advice!

Yay for quizes..... not under cut, sorry, too lazy. ;)

Fri, 24 Sep 2004 16:27:41 GMT

You are the most important person in his life. He
would do anything to see you smile. Actually,
he would be the PERFECT boyfriend. Always
getting lost in your eyes, always treating you
like a princes and always saying a joke to make
you laugh your head off while he smiles at your
hysteric laughter. Yup, he is the person you
were destined to fall in love with.

What kind of boyfriend would you have?(with pics and obviously for girls^^)
brought to you by Quizilla

You know, I actually picked some pretty mixed up answers.... so I have no clue how I got this to be the answer.... but I likes it!

This is interesting...

Mon, 06 Sep 2004 18:57:41 GMT

Quiz time!!!

Fri, 03 Sep 2004 17:23:40 GMT

You're Elemant is Wind. You're light-hearted,
care-free, kind, sensative, and mysterious. You
have friends and most absolutely love you. You
can be calm and soothing one minute and ragging
in anger the next so no one wants to get on
your bad side. You're beauty is inspiring and
magical.

What's Your Element(girls)? (PICTURES)
brought to you by Quizilla

Gas Mask for sale on E-Bay!!!! Also men's clubbing skirt, men's PVC pants, Men's fishnet Lip Service

Wed, 18 Aug 2004 07:03:16 GMT

Gas mask link below.....
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2263999240

Mens Clubbing Skirt link below...
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=3926228530

Men's Pvc Pants link below....
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&rd=1&item=3926229079&ssPageName=STRK:MESE:IT

Men's Lip Service Fishnet shirt link below...
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=3926229503

All must bid. You have my permission to copy and paste this post in your own journals. In fact, if you do it, I would love you all FOREVER!!!!

I messded up!

Thu, 12 Aug 2004 04:49:58 GMT

46e07b5fe0778dc78ee491854d4debd4
http://www.ljmeme.com

Un-cut and un-sensored FOR A REASON!!!! Please read the entire thing!!!

Tue, 03 Aug 2004 16:20:46 GMT

Got this from Josh on Myspace. fucking unreal.
every woman in america should send a message and vote that fucking moron out come NOV.
*******************************************
> President Bush has announced his plan to select Dr. W. David Hager
> to head
> >>up
> >>the Food and Drug Administration's (FDA) Reproductive Health
> Drugs
> >>Advisory Committee. The committee has not met for more than two
> years,
> >>during
> >>which time its charter lapsed. As a result, the Bush
> administration is
> >>tasked
> >>with filling all eleven positions with new members. This position

> >>does not require Congressional approval. The FDA's Reproductive
> Health
> >>Drugs
> >>Advisory Committee makes crucial decisions on matters relating
> to drugs
> >>used
> >>in the practice of obstetrics, gynecology and related
> specialties,
> >>including
> >>hormone therapy, contraception, treatment for infertility, and
> medical
> >>alternatives to surgical procedures for sterilization and
> pregnancy
> >>termination.
> >>
> >>Dr. Hager's views of reproductive health care are far outside
> the
> >>mainstream
> >>for reproductive technology. Dr. Hager is a practicing OB/GYN who
>
> >>describes
> >>himself as "pro-life" and refuses to prescribe contraceptives to
> unmarried
> >>women.
> >>
> >>Hager is the author of "As Jesus Cared for Women: Restoring
> Women Then
> and
> >>Now." The book blends biblical accounts of Christ healing Women
> with
> case
> >>studies from Hager's practice.
> >>
> >>In the book Dr. Hager wrote with his wife, entitled "Stress and
> the
> >>Woman's
> >>Body," he suggests that women who suffer from premenstrual
> syndrome
> should
> >>seek help from reading the bible and praying. As an editor and
> >>contributing
> >>author of "The Reproduction Revolution: A Christian Appraisal of
> Sexuality
> >>Reproductive Technologies and the Family," Dr. Hager appears to
> have
> >>endorsed the medically inaccurate assertion that the common
> birth
> Control
> >>pill is an abortifacient. Hager's mission is religiously
> motivated. He
> has
> >>an ardent interest in revoking approval for mifepristone
> (formerly known
>
> >>as
> >>RU-486) as a safe and early form of medical abortion. Hagar
> recently
> >>assisted
> >>the Christian Medical Association in a "citizen's petition"
> which calls
> >>upon
> >>the FDA to revoke its approval of mifepristone in the name of
> women's
> >>health.
> >>
> >>Hager's desire to overturn mifepristone's approval on religious
> grounds
> >>rather than scientific merit would halt the development of
> mifepristone
> as
> >>a
> >>treatment for numerous medical conditions disproportionately
> affecting
> >>women,
> >>including breast cancer, uterine cancer, uterine fibroid tumors,
> psychotic
> >>depression, bipolar depression and Cushing's syndrome.
> >>
> >>Women rely on the FDA to ensure their access to safe and
> effective drugs
>
> >>for
> >>reproductive health care including products that prevent
> pregnancy. For
> >>some
> >>women! such as those with certain types of diabetes and those
> undergoing
>
> >>treatment for cancer, pregnancy can be a life-threatening
> condition.
> >>
> >>We are concerned that Dr. Hager's strong religious beliefs may
> color his
>
> >>assessment of technologies that are necessary to protect women's
> lives
> or
> >>to
> >>preserve and promote women's health.
> >>
> >>Hager's track record of using religious beliefs to guide his
> medical
> >>decision-making makes him a dangerous and inappropriate candidate
> to
> serve
> >>as chair of this committee. Critical drug public policy and
> research
> must
> >>not be held hostage by antiabortion politics. Members of this
> important
> >>panel should be appointed on the basis of science and medicine,
> rather
> >>than
> >>politics and religion. American women deserve no less.
> >>
> >>
> >>What can you do?
> >>
> >>1. Send this to every person who is concerned with women's
> health
> rights.
> >>
> >>2. Oppose the placement of this man by contacating the White
> House and
> >>tell
> >>them he is totally unacceptble on any level. Email President
> Bush at
> >>president@whitehouse.gov or call the White House at 202.456.1111
> or
> >>202.456.1414 and say "I oppose the appointment of Dr. Hager to
> the FDA
> >>Reproductive Health Drugs Advisory Committee. Mixing religion
> and
> medicine
> >>is unacceptable. Using the FDA to promote a political agenda is
> >>inappropriate and seriously threatens women's health."

Yes, I am addicted to online quizes.... and no, you can't have them!!!

Fri, 30 Jul 2004 00:39:19 GMT

That one is rather cute I think.... and fairly acurate, lol!

Thu, 29 Jul 2004 03:44:03 GMT

What 80`s movie are you?

Pretty in Pink

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Fri, 16 Jul 2004 15:52:08 GMT

But.....but.... 4k1v4 is a boy!!!!!!

Wed, 14 Jul 2004 03:20:01 GMT

Find out who has a crush on you!
Check out the
LJ Secret Crush Database
brought to you by
madscience

*KW8TRVPY2OBUF73NGNO52VF5DWM8B9DG*

Fri, 09 Jul 2004 16:45:11 GMT

you are the cute but psycho happy bunny. You
adorable, but a little out there. It's alright,
you might not have it all, but there are worse

which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Thu, 08 Jul 2004 17:00:54 GMT

You're My Little Pony!! Sweet and innocent and
happy, you make people want to spew burrito
chunks. Even a Care Bear could kick your ass.

What childhood toy from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

If you and your friends were a Superhero Team
LJ Username
Pick a Hat
Type of Chip
What Kind of costume do you have?
After gaining your powers	in a freak industrial accident
You joined forces with	4k1v4
and	crinhead
to	get Futurama back on TV
as the	Guardians of the Globe
While Constantly working against the plans of	lunutchick

This quiz by unstablist - Taken 6654 Times. </a>

Your LJ RPG Team
LJ Username
Sex
Favorite Color
Weapon of Choice
Your Partner	addambombb
Your Warrior	migoto
The Giggly, Flirtatious Magic User with Big Breasts	4k1v4
The Talking Animal	4k1v4
Main Archenemy	pyretta_blazexx
Evil Incarnate	haxx0rz

This quiz by ass_ - Taken 14751 Times. </a>